Comments for Sunwick creative Weblog

Comment on Favorite food moment by Duly

Duly — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 01:08:30 +0000

Somehow i missed the point. Probably lost in translation Anyway … nice blog to visit.

cheers, Duly.

Comment on Favorite food moment by kylemh

kylemh — Wed, 07 May 2008 21:40:41 +0000

Alicia –
Some of the imagery in this poem works really well: “savoured past” and “a prior favorite, stirred up again”. The poem is pretty evocative with all the time references – I wonder what would happen if you gave it more structure. Really tightening up the syllables, line breaks and punctuation might make the reader connect with the food/memory even more strongly. Just a thought. See you tonight

Comment on Cliff, voice, Blackberry, Clouds, mother by moatman

moatman — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 14:27:19 +0000

Alicia- I love your descriptions of the black berry as “sun-soft”. It really evoked the plumpness and desirability of the fruit. I think you are moving in the right direction when you create tension halfway through the poem, and the idyllic setting is disrupted by the mother…but then I lose you, possibly because this poem was an in-class exercise to begin with. Maybe you should release this poem from the very straight choppy rhythm of the cut-off rhyme- notice how every line ends flatly and the energy sort of sinks with the words. How could you extend the energy on to the next line? Maybe with the tension you create in the meaning youc an also create a tension with the balanced, symmetrical form as well.
maddie

Comment on The Road Travelled Over by kylemh

kylemh — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 22:35:28 +0000

ahhh. more smiley faces. why?

Comment on The Road Travelled Over by kylemh

kylemh — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 22:35:07 +0000

Ditto to the above comments. I like the idea for the story, but I get a bit confused in the middle. Also, I think there might be a couple places where you slip into different tenses, which distracts from whats actually happening in the story. (if they aren’t consistent). I like the way you wrote the dialogue and didn’t put many qualifiers in before-hand. (e.g. “She straightened… George saw this as a test…) Good stuff.

Comment on The Road Travelled Over by storeyblog

storeyblog — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 21:38:14 +0000

I agree with Eleanor. I had trouble with the setting of this piece. In the end, I thought it might be children playing a game, but I’m still a little unsure. I also thought that there are a few face-less characters, that did not have enough description, so I got a little confused figuring out who was who. But, I think that this story has a lot of potential. I think whether its children playing or real knights, you can make something really interesting out of it. I’d like to talk more about what you are working for so I can try and be more helpful. See you tonight!

Comment on The Road Travelled Over by eleaphant

eleaphant — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 20:52:22 +0000

i think the biggest difficulty for me with this is the setting. i’m not yet clear on whether or not they are a bunch of kids playing a game, or if this is really set in the medieval ages. I think perhaps you’re trying to make one time period sound more accessible by using some contemporary lingo, but you also have a lot of ‘proper’ language. this combination makes it feel somewhat contrived. perhaps smoothing or unifying your narrative voice would bring out the place and time better?

Comment on Using Strangers for my own ends by thilmes

thilmes — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 22:42:39 +0000

like kyle, i definitely think that some parts of this are stronger than others. i really like the whole exchange with the little boy selling flowers–it just seems so real. other sections are more difficult for me to picture, though, like when you write, “Ha, come over, surfer boy and a little younger.” maybe if you said “come over, surfer boy, even if you’re a little younger” or finish the sentence in the same way you started it–by actually addressing the boy instead of starting by addressing him and then switching to describing him. also, i was lost in the last paragraph…

also, like you said, we both have a tendency to make errors when we type. i noticed that you are missing some hypens in “small-set” and “bleached-out”…there may be some others, i’m not sure. but adding these in will help get rid of some of the confusion, i think.

i really how you are playing with a different style in this piece–mixing thoughts with short, fragmented sentences and description–it’s quite daring!

Comment on Using Strangers for my own ends by kylemh

kylemh — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 21:31:54 +0000

Alicia-
I like where you’re going with this… the “holiday glamour” image is great and I like when you switch into the character’s thoughts “no gracias” etc. I get lost when you make some tense shifts: “natural blond is…It was set…” And I’m a little confused by the action implied by “exchanged southern states” – did blonde 2.0 intercept him? Good start though, more in workshop.

Comment on Kafka-esque play by sdennison

sdennison — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 17:41:16 +0000

I too didn’t know who you were writing about, but I did look it up and your reappropriation makes much more sense to me. Understanding who Esther is, I love your ending, but your style gets out of hand at times, mainly in the sentence that Tamara mentioned. I think the fragmentation of sentences works well towards the end, but in the beginning it is somewhat confusing. Maybe you could try moving from longer, more showy sentences to fragments?